Fresh and minty

I don’t have complaints about everything, just stuff that the manufacturers decide not to produce after I’ve been hooked on it.
When I was a kid, mom found an instant coffee by Maxwell House that tasted like it was fresh brewed. Mom bought several jars and we enjoyed the heck out of it. Suddenly, it disappeared from the shelves. We were told that companies sometimes test market new products. Apparently, not enough people gave it a thumbs up. But they didn’t ask us!
Forward to 2015. I noticed that my favorite toothpaste was getting harder to find. That flavor was Crest citrus splash. (Note the foreshadowing with the word “was.”)
Yes, Crest had decided to discontinue my raison d’brush. I looked it up on the internet and discovered that a number of forward-thinking souls had grabbed large quantities of citrus splash and hiked the price. The 6.2-ounce tube was running about $8 on the re-selling sites.
I wrote Procter & Gamble, the maker of Crest toothpaste. They wrote back saying that they appreciate my opinion and would take it into consideration. They had already killed off the lemon ice flavor before I had ever heard of that one. What were the chances of a return? Slim to none.
I gave up and went back to my cinnamon flavor. Then, a month later, in my Christmas stocking, my sweet wife had inserted three tubes of my dream flavor. She had found a special deal on the internet where she traded in the older of our two cars for them.
They lasted nearly three years. I have probably four squeezes left on the last tube. I just looked up a sales site. Someone is selling citrus splash in 4.4-ounce tubes at two for $30 with a $6.99 shipping charge. I ain’t gonna do it.
Instead, I went to the toothpaste store and wrote down all the choices we have left in toothpaste flavors. Here they are sans manufacturer. (I am not kidding.): radiant mint, arctic fresh, deep clean mint, fresh mint, fresh mint gel, cool mint gel, cool mint, clean mint, fresh mint stripe, icy fresh, and frosty mint stripe This is not likely an exhaustive listing.
By the way, they had children’s toothpastes of varying flavors including strawberry burst, watermelon burst, and silly strawberry.
I did buy the outrageous orange mango for kids. It tastes like someone ground up sheetrock and squeezed four drops of orange juice into it. I use it about once a week.
A few months ago I had my six-month checkup at the dentist. Instead of dropping them off, I decided to sit in the chair for a cleaning. The hygienist asked which one I wanted. I asked what she meant. She said she was talking about their tooth cleaning flavor. I asked what were the choices. “Spear or pepper … mint,” was her reply. “Just use the sandpaper,” I told her.
Severely disappointed, I went to the source of the problem. I called the Mint Industry Research Council. A total of 45 percent of all the mint oil produced in the USA is used in toothpaste.
Folks, they have a monopoly on toothpaste flavors.
I told them I was going to expose their vile plot to eradicate all other toothpaste flavors. They said, “We know where you live.” I hung up the phone and that night, I saw someone in a trench coat leaning against the lamppost by my house.
So, if I don’t return to this venue next week, please consider carrying on my quest for toothpaste variety. And don’t settle for the sheetrock flavor.

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