Seven Things Reader’s Digest Won’t Tell You
(OK, maybe just this once.)
1–We will never give up on you. We would rather have a subscription, but we really enjoy just knowing you. Our offers are sent mainly to get you to write back because we really like you.
2–We could give the magazine away. In 1965, we printed a story about the Treasure of Oak Island. We then sent staff there who found the treasure. It included Blackbeard’s treasure, the Ark of the Covenant, and Viking memorabilia, plus several previously unknown Shakespeare manuscripts. We are now so rich we don’t need your money.
3–Violence sells. So, we are moving to some edgier stories. Next month: “I was attacked by a herd of water buffalo.”
4–The articles about Joe’s … heart, liver, etc., were discontinued. But we plan to return the series with “I am Joe’s Xiphoid Process.” Then, “I am Joe’s Circle of Willis.”
5–We recently realized that we could save money by canceling our large print edition. Instead we will send a magnifying glass to all our subscribers. We will all need it someday.
6–We are stopping the cardboard ad inserts because someone tore them all out in one issue. All that was left were the front and back covers.
7—For those of you who do not have time to read our magazine, we are rolling out a new publication: Reader’s Digest Digest. It will consist of all our regular edition’s articles, but only including subjects and verbs. Here are the first few paragraphs of the editor’s recent column: “It’s Epidemic, Bruce, Edna is saying. Guys have date birth, number, address. It’s facsimile. Facsimile? What does? It means issues have caught. It means identity has been stolen. I’m who gets.” Our jokes page will include only the punch lines.